The Fear.

After completing my two flowers that I made for a friend, as inspired by Attic24 and also completing an order for little hearts and bows, I felt hungry to crochet something that would be warm and lush. I didn’t have enough wool to do a big blanket so opted for one that would fit snugly in a pram or cot. Admittedly I don’t really need a pram or cot blanket as there are no more baby Petit’s planned and the current baby Petit (a very non-petit 2 year old) already has a fishy cover to keep his gargantuan feet warm but I thought it would be a good way to warm up for the real deal, when I can crochet a blanket big enough to cover us all as we watch Cars 2 for the zillionth time.

This was my first foray to the beach playground along Worthing seafront in ages; it was delightful to be out and I gulped in the air whilst the middle child raced around in glee and the youngest scooted, stropped and filled his nappy full of sand. I borrowed Mr P’s camera and started taking photos of the wooden springy things and of my blanket beginnings, which he thought made me look odd. I explained they were for my blog and he made a face and some sort of ‘why on earth…’ comment and I flicked my head in a nonchalant, arty sort of way in a ‘well you wouldn’t understand’ manner whilst demanding haughtily, ‘Have you even read my blog? No! No you haven’t..’  Whether or not Mr P has or ever will read either of my blogs was soon forgotten and as the sun went in and the air chilled further, I went home feeling I had achieved something.. well, I had. I had actually left the house!

Other achievements have been the jewellery items I have made.  Each piece I make gives me a thrill of pleasure, the utter enjoyment of producing an item that I would be happy enough to wear. Doubts try to sneak their way in but I banish them back to their cold, draughty holes in the land of Far Far Away (not the same place as in Shrek) which is somewhere between my right ear and occipital lobe. The Doubts  are pesky little shites that follow me most places and are right now getting in the way of my Etsy shop. I am still flirting with Etsy, but am somewhat terrified of it. I feel like a commitment phobe in that once I ‘open’ my shop, I will actually have to ‘do’ things such as make things and sell them. What if no one likes them? OR they like them, buy them and then unlike them again? OR buy them, like them.. still like them and then order more.. if I let the Doubts stay then I won’t get anything done so off they go again, huddling in for warmth and conspiring about how and where to strike next.

Fear can be an obstacle but can also be a wonderful motivator. I read a fantastic article yesterday that was shared by a friend on Facebook, called The Busy Trap by Tim Kreidder and I think as I am not busy currently, the fear has set in. After I read the above, I then read this which also started the brain ticking; should I start a new routine or have a strange ritual? A naked bath? No.. that’s just normal.. the problem is I am not very good at routines or rituals (strange or otherwise). My motivation and inspiration are very, very cyclical as are my moods. There are some days that I feel like I could burst at the seams with ideas, methods, creativiity and productivity but they seem to be less than the days I feel bogged down, Eyore-ish and despondent. So I guess what I have to work out is how to get the most out of my ‘yippeeeeeee’ days and just get through my ‘eughhhhhhh’ days. I know that my fear is based around my designs, they are in their infancy and many have been ‘done’ before.. and what if the finished product isn’t good enough.. the angst could go on and on..  but I have come to the conclusion that one just needs to fight that fear, grab it by it’s horns and rodeo dance it into submission.

For now, though I shall just continue to lie here on the bed and think about doing my physio exercises.. and I shall leave you with some pictures I took whilst in the garden last week.